I was commiserating with a client recently about a tendency to wait around until others decide what to do before determining what it is that I want.
This default to passivity isn’t a kindness. While it may look like I’m being gracious and letting the other person get what he or she wants, it’s actually a shirking of responsibility and could lead to resentment.
I like to believe there’s a way for everyone to get what he or she desires. The key is to put your preferences out in the open and see what’s there. This requires everyone to be honest and forthright, and not be afraid of being pushy or bulldozed. No small order.
I remember a system my sister and her husband invented and used successfully many years ago. I’ll call it the Preference Rating System and it goes like this.
Say you’re trying to decide what to do for dinner. You express your thoughts on a scale from 1 to 10, off the top of your head, without thinking too hard about it.
A: “I’m a 5 for Chinese since we had it recently. I’d say I’m an 8 for Mexican.”
B: “Well I’m a 9 for having someone else cook but a 3 for getting up and going out. Maybe something delivered?”
Or another example:
A: I’m an 8 for having you go shopping with me. Will you come with?
B: I’m a 2 for shopping but a 9 for giving you what you want since you helped me with that project so when do we leave?
The numbers give you a way of establishing how intense the preference is. Granted, you need to establish some understanding so that your rating scales are calibrated equivalently. And you need a willingness to play. Some partners (who shall remain nameless) don’t like the game-y-ness of it. But when used well it adds useful data to the decision-making process.
Of course some decisions require a more in-depth discussion. But if you’re looking for a simple method to uncover and communicate how intensely you feel about something consider the Preference Rating System. I’ll give it an 8.5.
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